Deeper Connections
the story of
The crazy story of how I learned to never miss a red flag again and finally attracted a healthy relationship.
It was an ordinary Tuesday morning…or so I thought.
I’d just finished a chat and walk with my son whilst in the midst of an all too familiar, repetitive, toxic argument via text with my partner at the time.
I came inside feeling so broken and defeated. I sat on the end of my bed and began to question my life….
“Is this it? Is this my life?”
I kept hoping things would change.
They would for a bit, and I would get hopeful and then the disagreements would start all over again.
It just seemed like ground hog day, and I was feeling exhausted, and I couldn’t go on living this way.
I had been putting off leaving the relationship for so long, and I had become so anxious. But I had stayed in it because the thought of having to start all over again seemed so daunting!
You see I had been involved with a high control personal development group for that last 10 years and was also in what I can only now call a toxic, destructive relationship.
So, there I was feeling alone AGAIN… even though I was in a relationship and surrounded by a community of people.
As I was sitting there contemplating my life, I realised that if I stayed in both the relationship and the high control group that I would just continue to feel controlled and never be free to be fully myself.
I had to leave both, at the same time.
I then heard this soft quiet voice whisper “It’s time to leave the house”
It’s time to leave the house”
Again, like a gentle nudge.
At first, I felt like I couldn’t even conceive this idea.
I knew it would be the end of the life I once knew so well that my whole support system would be gone, and I would be on my own…and this felt so foreign and scary to me.
My body frozen with fear.
But my mind knew the power of visualization and decided to walk me through what I would need to organize and take with me if I was to leave.
This felt doable…it felt like a ‘rehearsal’ or ‘dry run’ and there was no fear, because I was only pretending.
I watched myself in my mind walking around the house grabbing all the things I could think of that I would need daily.
Seeing myself do this in my mind, made it seem easier to do in real life and I thought:
“I can do this”
My partner was in another room on call, and I thought “it’s now or never”
I was terrified of being caught in the act of escaping that I packed a bag of all the things that one needs when they are fleeing a bad situation.
My flight response had kicked in, adrenalin was coursing through my body and was driving me to get out of there as fast as I could.
As soon as I had everything, I needed I quietly jumped in my car and drove to my mum’s place where I knew I would be safe.
When I got there, I was in shock because I couldn’t actually believe that I’d finally left, I had wanted to leave a thousand times!
I felt such a mix of emotions.
Relief
Surprise
A sense of freedom
Despair
Grief
Anxiety
It’s like a window had opened and I finally honoured myself and made the decision to leave.
I realized that had to make the pain and familiarity of being in a toxic relationship was worse than the thought of being alone and having to start all over again.
What I really truly wanted was to be by myself, make my own decisions, do it my way and feel like I could just be and connect to myself.
This was so foreign to me and for what seemed like the first time in my life, I didn’t want a relationship. I had been like a heat seeking missile for one for the last 30 years, so this was both a daunting and exhilarating moment.
But I didn’t know how to operate in the world without one or at least being in pursuit of one, I didn’t know how to be on my own.
I felt ‘less than’ if I didn’t have a man loving me or pretending to love me.
I lived in my imagination and fantasy a lot of the time, daydreaming of what a relationship could be.
I had rose coloured glasses on and I was not seeing what was right in front of me.
Looking back, I had no idea that there were so many red flags in ALL of my relationships that I had completely ignored because I was so desperate to be loved.
I was needy, controlling, didn’t know how to ask for what I wanted or needed, and I had no idea about boundaries and standards.
I knew that I sucked at relationships. I fell in love hard and then got critical and whiney.
I was overweight, hated myself, had no self-worth and thought there was something wrong with me!
First my marriage had broken down and now this long-term relationship was gone.
I just kept picking the wrong people.
The intimacy, depth and connection that I so desperately said I wanted felt impossible to create.
I felt so hopeless and had no idea how to change this.
One day a friend of mine saw me struggling and suggested that I see this amazing Practitioner who I travelled an hour to see.
I sat there and poured my heart out to this woman and for the first time in my life I felt so deeply heard and accepted.
I felt so safe and held in her presence.
As she proceeded to cut the air in front of me like a wakeup call, she said one thing to me:
“Never again!
Not this lifetime, nor the next nor the next. Will you do this to yourself again!”
Wow! It was like she took a self-inflicted curse off me in that moment and set a new intention and direction for me.
My slate felt cleared, she helped me remember who I was, what I really wanted for my life and how I would allow myself to be treated from that day forward.
This was the day that my “Red flag” meter was turned on.
Even though I didn’t want to be in a relationship yet, I still wanted to meet people, go on dates and experience deeper connections and I put my red flag meter to the test.
I set up a profile on a few different dating apps to dip my toes in the water.
I was inundated with messages and after I realised that this happens to most women as the ratios to men/women are very out, I looked at my new problem with fresh eyes.
What a great way to connect with lots of men and see what happens.
I quickly learnt that I could tell so much from just the messaging in the app.
1. Responsive or not
2. Respectful or not
3. Keen or not
4. Keyboard warriors
5. Genuine fellows
6. No intention to meet
7. A possible great connection
I quickly learnt to get off the apps and go to a phone call first. I learn this the hard way by going on a coffee date with someone I hadn’t spoken to, and soon realised that the tone and sound of a person’s voice was an important part of the attraction.
On a phone call, I could tell by the sound of their voice if there was something worth exploring.
Tone, pace, intention all adds to the connection.
I quickly learnt to go on short coffee or drinks dates. This way I wasn’t invest too much of my time getting ready, missing out on work time, expending too much of my energy.
As opposed to going to dinner which is a lot more effort on many levels and can create dating fatigue, especially if you are going on 2-3 dates a week!
Then if they don’t go well, you can lose your confidence and feel like giving up.
I quickly learnt that for me, connection was important and so was chemistry. So I liked to be kissed at the end of a date!
You see a kiss is like the preview of what was to come, it was like a dance. Can they lead, can they follow, are they sensual, are there sparks, is there more to explore.
If there was none of the above, I didn’t take it any further! Learnt this the hard way.
Note to the men!
Respectful persistence.
I was inundated on the dating apps and the men who were nicely persistent, understanding that it can get hectic on apps and kept trying to engage me, often got a date.
The ones who were getting upset with me and taking it personally if I hadn’t messaged them back, mostly didn’t get a date.
The benefits of all this experience was:
- I didn’t get too needy as I had a good supply of dates
- I only had 1 or 2 no shows in 200+ dates
- I had lovely experiences even though we weren’t a match
- I got to practice being in my feminine
- I learnt to listen and ask interesting questions
- I didn’t fall into toxic situations
- I didn’t get involved with unavailable men
- I learnt about different relationship styles
- I found out about events, workshops and shows.
- I had a ball, enjoyed my time and am grateful to each and everyone who met with me.
Then one day, I went on a very special date and that date turned into the beautiful, loving, secure relationship that I have today!
I had the most amazing time dating and then finding my partner that I wanted other women and men to be able to have a similar experience, if that was what they were looking for.
So, I started a business called Deeper Connections and I run events for people to meet and connect.
I also do 1 on 1 coaching to help people with relationship readiness so that they can fall in love with themselves, increase their worthiness so they make great choices with dates, and they have their red flag meter on so they can date well and enjoy the process!
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DEEPERCONNECTIONSNOW@GMAIL.COM
@DEEPERCONNECTIONSWITHJOELLE
JOELLE VADAS